new chapter

today marks the close to this chapter of my life. tomorrow begins a new one. i start my new job tomorrow. i'm a bit uneasy, to say the least. i'm not sure why. maybe it's just because the unknown sometimes scares me. maybe i'm afraid of failure. i don't know what it is because i don't know the exact expectations that will be placed upon with this new position. i can only hope for the best and take it one day at a time.

so, yeah, it's going to be weird to get into a routine again. it's been more than six and a half months since i've worked! i hope i can manage my time okay because this apartment is getting a little out of hand.

it's kind of weird because i've had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me the last couple of hours. i can't really put a finger on it. is it because i feel horrible that my family is broken up? is it because of my rocky relationship with carrie? is it because of the pressure of starting a new job? is it because i feel bad for mason that he can't experience "normal" things as a family? is it because i've been WASTED 6 out of the last 8 nights? alcohol does evil things to my mood when I'm sober following a hard night of drinking or a string of drinking days. maybe it's a combination of all of the above. i just feel so uneasy. will this feeling ever go away? it seems like i'm always uneasy or in a funk about something.

so carrie and i are back together...i guess. i say i guess because we sort of patched things up on friday night but for some reason something feels off to me. something just doesn't feel right. again, i can't put a finger on it but something's not right. i hope all the answers come to me sooner than later because this absolutely sucks!

the past six and a half months have been HARD. i've dealt with some of the most, if not most difficult things in my life. and you know what? you're just never the same. and i'm not. i'll never be the same. sometimes i feel so alone in this world. tomorrow is a new day and a new job and i walk this road alone.

well, someone has found my blog! ;-) yeah, it's filled with a bunch of drivel, but hey, it's me. i bet you all didn't know i was such a sappy motherfucker, did you?

anyway, the past couple of days has been okay. i made an awesome bbq chicken pizza last night drank a bottle of cabernet and 3 bell's best browns. i don't even know what time i went to bed! ;-) i didn't think i'd be drinking tonight but the tree farmers were hanging out at uptown grille and i had to join them. i was very impressed with their beer selection! it was also good to see some old faces since i've totally alienated all of my friends!

i'm hoping to get back into the swing of things and start doing things that i like doing. i think i'm even going to put the rack back on the shaggin' wagon so i can ride again. yes, i hate the cold. yes, i know i'm a big pussy. but, i really need to get out of this apartment and DO something!

look who's back

well, well, well. it's been almost year since my last post. 11 months to be exact. so where have i been? what have i been doing? does anyone really care? i think i'm just writing right now for my own sanity. i've had a devastatingly rough year. mostly personal issues. i'm a bit leary giving the details of my private life on a public blog, but i don't think i have many readers left. i just feel like writing, that's all.

jackie and i officially split up last winter. i officially moved out on valentine's day. how fitting. i was rewarded with a horrendous bout of the flu. i don't remember being that sick for a long, long time. i had jumped around from place to place. i first started with a shit-hole place in ypsi where i was there for only a month. i then moved into a pretty nice condo in novi with a roommate who i never saw. unfortunately, i was kicked out when she was doing a favor for a couple of her friends. they needed a place to stay, so i was out. i found another place in northville and moved in back in the middle of july. i was there for only two weeks as my roommate's lease was up and we moved down the road to a different apartment complex. and that's where i reside now. it's a pretty decent situation as my roommate is rarely here so i pretty much have the place to myself. it sucks living in an apartment again, but i have to make due.

and that brings me to my employment status. i've been unemployed the majority of this year. i was laid off on may 12 and have been unemployed ever since. thankfully, i was given a decent severance package and was paid through the end of september. i actually took the entire summer off so i could spend it with mason. it was time that i would never, ever trade for anything. it was priceless. when he started school this fall, i finally started looking for work. as luck would have it, timing was everything. i ended up with 3 offers which is absurd in today's job market! it was difficult turning down the other two positions but i officially accepted the other offer last friday! i start on december 1. so after six and a half months of unemployment, i go back to work in a week. i'm sure it'll take a little getting used to, but i think i'm ready for a regular routine again.

i know a lot of people are probably upset about my split up with jackie. i'm always the bad guy. well, that's pretty much what everybody thinks. in some ways i was the bad guy, but there are a lot of things the outsiders don't know about our relationship. there were many issues that were never addressed. those issues wore on me year after year. i loved jackie with all my heart but we had to do what we had to do. it still kills me to this day that this had to happen. i feel horrible for mason even though he's been a complete trooper through all of this. but i know it's going to be a tough 6 weeks with the holidays coming up.

then there was carrie. carrie was a coworker of mine from my old job in ann arbor. she started last fall and i really didn't get to know her until around christmas time last year. we ended up being really good friends. we had a lot in common as she was going through a divorce last fall. we started dating shortly after i moved out and had been dating on and off ever since. well, that is until yesterday. that's when i broke it off. we really fell deeply in love with each other but something had changed back in september. she could never get past the fact that jackie was always in the picture. there was a time back in late may/early june that i wanted to try to work things out with jackie. jackie initally wasn't willing to try which totally crushed me. i literally freaked out. i guess i don't deal with things like that too well. then i was somewhat okay with it. but then, out of the blue, jackie told me she wanted to try to work things out. i was very skeptical, as i should've been. that got nowhere because she didn't do anything! there was another guy and finally i sat down and had talked to her and she did it just because she felt guilty. yeah, i was livid with her for quite a while but now we're on decent terms. we have to be, for mason's sake. so, i'm not sure what happened with carrie. she was just never the same. this girl was absolutely crazy about me and it all changed literally overnight. i tried and tried to get our relationship back to where it was but was never successful. so i ended it yesterday. it totally sucks. i'm absolutely crushed again. so that's two lost loves in one year! why does this shit happen to me? like i said, i've had a rough year. a broken marriage, a failed relationship, and a lost job.

needless to say, i've had little motivation to do anything this year. i rode a measly 200 miles this year. 200. that's it. i couldn't justify doing any racing including iceman while i was unemployed and not having any definite job prospects at the time. there are many regrets that i have. i've completely lost my identity. i don't even know who i am anymore. i've lost all of my connections with friends. i'm literally all by myself right now. i'm trying my best to get my life in order. i'm trying so hard to find some motivation to start running again. there will be no more riding until spring. i even took the roof rack off of my car this winter. the last time i rode was 9/11 which is ridiculous because there were some spectacularly beautiful days this fall. so i don't even know where to go from here. i'm going to take one day at a time. there are times i feel an overwhelming sense of despair, but other times i feel hopeful. i really wish things would've worked out with carrie and i. i really miss that girl. she really has been my life this year, and for that i'm thankful. she was always there for me, but now when i need her most, she's gone.

merry x-mas!

yes, x-mas! not sure where the 'x' came from but i'm sure wiki could help me out if i asked. so, i broke a promise. my how time flies. the last time i wrote was the end of august??? are you kidding me? i promised to update regularly and i go for a whole week. lame.

anyway, here we are on the eve of christmas. i'm on vacation, so obviously i'm having fun, even if it is a monday night. and by fun, i mean drinking by myself.

lots has happened since the end of august, my friends. and by lots, i mean nothing. well, i rode my bike a few more times. didn't race iceman. didn't even make it to 500 miles this year. now that's hard to believe! i had even quit drinking for about 5 weeks there in the fall. health issues, mainly. i'm doing okay again, i guess.

i'm thinking about maybe doing some more racing next year. yeah, yeah, you've heard it all before. i think i say/think this every winter. i guess the proof will be in the pudding. mmmm...pudding. so, to stay motivated, i think i'll do the cps series or something. of course, if i do it, i'll be giving it 110% so i absolutely expect to win. what's the point of me doing it and not winning? if i can stay healthy, i should be able to do it. i just need a little but of motivation, and (the theoretical) god knows i have little when the heat of summer rolls around. but we'll see what happens. i have faith in myself next year!

i also started training again for another half marathon next year. but since i turn into more of a wuss each year i turn older, i've refrained from running out in the cold. what a difference a year makes because last december and january, i was running 4 times/week regardless of the weather. i froze my nuts off...literally. but not this year. instead, we've invested in a nice treadmill parked in my cozy basement. i've been on the program for 3 weeks now and things are going pretty well. i definitely don't miss all the "runner's aches and pains" but there's something about running that's addictive. and do i ever miss running! it's been what, like 8 months since i've run regularly? there's definitely a runner's high that's unlike anything else. if i can stay injury free then i'll be running the derby festival half again next april.

anyway, my drink is dry and so is this post. so, hopefully i'll do this a little bit more regularly...mainly for my sanity, not yours.

merry christmas everybody!

weekend musings

the weekend started off shitty. work bullshit. i don't feel like getting into it but i was all stressed out by the time i got home friday evening. did i want to crack open the tasty ipa's that were waiting for me in the fridge or did i want to have a low-key night and workout? i opted for the former. did you expect anything less? that dogfish head 60 minute ipa sure was tasty. so was that batch of extra-hot homemade salsa i fired up. then the storms hit. power went out for a few seconds but came back on. time for another beer. and another. and another. hmm...what am i going to do on this friday night? i didn't feel like sitting around by myself all night and the 80's dance party i was hosting by myself was getting old...FAST!

so 9:00 rolls around and i had gone through all of my 60 minute ipa. well, looks like i'll have to break out the 90 minute ipa. that's an imperial ipa, 9.0% abv. i don't like it as much as the 60 minute, but still tasty, nonetheless. i turn on the tele and all over the news was the devastation around metro detroit. wow! was it really that bad out? i guess so. we got hit pretty good in livonia, but i guess further north up in fenton, they got hit w/ some tornadoes. there was also flooding all around town too. oh yeah and about 70,000 people without power. well, i'm good. the storm had passed, my belly was warm from the salsa, i had a pretty good buzz from the dogfish heads and was happily surfing on my computer when FLASH! the power went out. it tried to come back on 3 times and then darkness and silence settled upon me. FUCK. this sucks. i called some friends up and told them i was alone in the dark and scared and needed to be held, so they invited me over. not only was a phat steak waiting for me when i got over there but hot corn on the cob and beer too! now that's what i call a good friend!

and that was just friday. saturday, i crawled out of bed as i needed to be at maybury by 11:00 to help out. it started raining about 20 minutes after i got out there. not fun. after helping out with the course, i moved over to the food pavillion and helped out there. then, i started drinking. all downhill from there. no, it was fun, really. except for when i puked 4 times in the outhouse while peeing. i've never, ever puked because of a smell before. gagged, yes, but never chunkage. that was the worst smelling outhouse EVER!

i even got in a little trail run when i went back out to course marshall and sherpaboy and the ems come tearing through with their vehicles. it felt really good to be running on the trail even though it was slick and muddy. i'm glad they got the downed rider out safely.

more drinking ensued as we headed downtown northville then downtown plymouth. i was being heckled relentlessly by two specific darkhorse girls. they're brutal, man! ;-)

oh yeah, one more thing...

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!

i'm back on me feet again!

i must be on some 80s kick because i keep quoting terrible 80s tunes. oh well. i like the 80s. in fact, i just made an all 80s rockin' cd last night!

i've started running again! the last time i ran was on april 28th which was the day of my half marathon. the multiple stress fractures in both legs have sidelined me WAY longer than i thought. so, i'm taking it slow. really S-L-O-W. i'm gonna follow the rehab plan so i don't reinjure it. i went out for a half mile total on tuesday combining walk/jog segments. i went a little further today. i covered about 2 miles but only ran for about 4.5 minutes total. i feel good. i can't believe how much i miss it! it was a rather interesting night to be out. to the east, was tons of frequent, bright lightning and to the south, was a bright moon and stars. i'd never seen anything like it. everytime the lightning would flash, it would reflect off the wet pavement and light up the night. too cool!

i'm bummed i haven't ridden in a week. it's funny because i've gone all summer not riding for two, three weeks at a time but all of a sudden i rode 4 times last week and now with the wet weather, i've been off the bike for a week. i've gotten the single speed back and have done two rides on it, and i absolutely love it! my legs aren't in the best climbing shape, especially at pontiac, but it's still a blast! i finally put on the carbon riser i've had laying around since last fall and some new esi silicone grips. i hated the ergons and even the specialized knock-off which are a bit smaller. i need to be able to wrap my entire hand around the grips to feel in control. see? i'm i control freak. naw. not really.

anyway, the weekend is almost upon us. i'm not racing maybury because i can't do 3 laps. yeah, weak, i know. but, i'll be there course marshalling so i can make fun of all the suckers suffering in the mud!

here i am...

...the one that you love! grrr...air supply pisses me off.

so, i'm back by popular, or more realistically, not so popular demand. i've been away from the computer for the last 5 months. okay, so i lied. i really haven't been away from the computer for 5 whole months, just away from my blog. maybe it's because i never know what to write. maybe because no one really cares about my obsessive/compulsive tendencies. maybe it's because the blog became plain ol' boring. i did nothing but bitch in here. and who really wants to be brought down by someone's blog? not me, my friend! so, i've spared you all the details.

well, it hasn't been all bad. actually, life's been treating me pretty well the past 5 months. i completed the 1/2 marathon at the end of april, i went to disney at the end of may, i did the tree farm relay with my beloved teammates, i've been working my ass off. so where does that leave any time for riding? well, it hasn't. i've only ridden a dozen or so times ALL year. of course, now i'm kicking myself since it's late august and i'm in (relatively speaking) piss poor shape. but, i'm getting back into it. slowly. i've still partied like a rockstar all summer! not something i'm proud of, but fun nonetheless. drinking just gets me into WAY too much trouble! ;-)

best of all, i've managed to stay healthy this summer! no unexpected hospital visits, no crazy pains. actually, this is the best i've felt in years! can't complain about that.

on a sad note, i thought i'd make mention of a good friend's wife who passed away on august 2nd after a brutal battle with breast cancer. she was 36 and left behind two young children. that really bummed me out for awhile. life just isn't fair. but it goes on. and she will not be forgotten. not by me. not by her husband. and certainly not by her children and loving family. rest in peace, shelly!