new chapter

today marks the close to this chapter of my life. tomorrow begins a new one. i start my new job tomorrow. i'm a bit uneasy, to say the least. i'm not sure why. maybe it's just because the unknown sometimes scares me. maybe i'm afraid of failure. i don't know what it is because i don't know the exact expectations that will be placed upon with this new position. i can only hope for the best and take it one day at a time.

so, yeah, it's going to be weird to get into a routine again. it's been more than six and a half months since i've worked! i hope i can manage my time okay because this apartment is getting a little out of hand.

it's kind of weird because i've had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me the last couple of hours. i can't really put a finger on it. is it because i feel horrible that my family is broken up? is it because of my rocky relationship with carrie? is it because of the pressure of starting a new job? is it because i feel bad for mason that he can't experience "normal" things as a family? is it because i've been WASTED 6 out of the last 8 nights? alcohol does evil things to my mood when I'm sober following a hard night of drinking or a string of drinking days. maybe it's a combination of all of the above. i just feel so uneasy. will this feeling ever go away? it seems like i'm always uneasy or in a funk about something.

so carrie and i are back together...i guess. i say i guess because we sort of patched things up on friday night but for some reason something feels off to me. something just doesn't feel right. again, i can't put a finger on it but something's not right. i hope all the answers come to me sooner than later because this absolutely sucks!

the past six and a half months have been HARD. i've dealt with some of the most, if not most difficult things in my life. and you know what? you're just never the same. and i'm not. i'll never be the same. sometimes i feel so alone in this world. tomorrow is a new day and a new job and i walk this road alone.

well, someone has found my blog! ;-) yeah, it's filled with a bunch of drivel, but hey, it's me. i bet you all didn't know i was such a sappy motherfucker, did you?

anyway, the past couple of days has been okay. i made an awesome bbq chicken pizza last night drank a bottle of cabernet and 3 bell's best browns. i don't even know what time i went to bed! ;-) i didn't think i'd be drinking tonight but the tree farmers were hanging out at uptown grille and i had to join them. i was very impressed with their beer selection! it was also good to see some old faces since i've totally alienated all of my friends!

i'm hoping to get back into the swing of things and start doing things that i like doing. i think i'm even going to put the rack back on the shaggin' wagon so i can ride again. yes, i hate the cold. yes, i know i'm a big pussy. but, i really need to get out of this apartment and DO something!

look who's back

well, well, well. it's been almost year since my last post. 11 months to be exact. so where have i been? what have i been doing? does anyone really care? i think i'm just writing right now for my own sanity. i've had a devastatingly rough year. mostly personal issues. i'm a bit leary giving the details of my private life on a public blog, but i don't think i have many readers left. i just feel like writing, that's all.

jackie and i officially split up last winter. i officially moved out on valentine's day. how fitting. i was rewarded with a horrendous bout of the flu. i don't remember being that sick for a long, long time. i had jumped around from place to place. i first started with a shit-hole place in ypsi where i was there for only a month. i then moved into a pretty nice condo in novi with a roommate who i never saw. unfortunately, i was kicked out when she was doing a favor for a couple of her friends. they needed a place to stay, so i was out. i found another place in northville and moved in back in the middle of july. i was there for only two weeks as my roommate's lease was up and we moved down the road to a different apartment complex. and that's where i reside now. it's a pretty decent situation as my roommate is rarely here so i pretty much have the place to myself. it sucks living in an apartment again, but i have to make due.

and that brings me to my employment status. i've been unemployed the majority of this year. i was laid off on may 12 and have been unemployed ever since. thankfully, i was given a decent severance package and was paid through the end of september. i actually took the entire summer off so i could spend it with mason. it was time that i would never, ever trade for anything. it was priceless. when he started school this fall, i finally started looking for work. as luck would have it, timing was everything. i ended up with 3 offers which is absurd in today's job market! it was difficult turning down the other two positions but i officially accepted the other offer last friday! i start on december 1. so after six and a half months of unemployment, i go back to work in a week. i'm sure it'll take a little getting used to, but i think i'm ready for a regular routine again.

i know a lot of people are probably upset about my split up with jackie. i'm always the bad guy. well, that's pretty much what everybody thinks. in some ways i was the bad guy, but there are a lot of things the outsiders don't know about our relationship. there were many issues that were never addressed. those issues wore on me year after year. i loved jackie with all my heart but we had to do what we had to do. it still kills me to this day that this had to happen. i feel horrible for mason even though he's been a complete trooper through all of this. but i know it's going to be a tough 6 weeks with the holidays coming up.

then there was carrie. carrie was a coworker of mine from my old job in ann arbor. she started last fall and i really didn't get to know her until around christmas time last year. we ended up being really good friends. we had a lot in common as she was going through a divorce last fall. we started dating shortly after i moved out and had been dating on and off ever since. well, that is until yesterday. that's when i broke it off. we really fell deeply in love with each other but something had changed back in september. she could never get past the fact that jackie was always in the picture. there was a time back in late may/early june that i wanted to try to work things out with jackie. jackie initally wasn't willing to try which totally crushed me. i literally freaked out. i guess i don't deal with things like that too well. then i was somewhat okay with it. but then, out of the blue, jackie told me she wanted to try to work things out. i was very skeptical, as i should've been. that got nowhere because she didn't do anything! there was another guy and finally i sat down and had talked to her and she did it just because she felt guilty. yeah, i was livid with her for quite a while but now we're on decent terms. we have to be, for mason's sake. so, i'm not sure what happened with carrie. she was just never the same. this girl was absolutely crazy about me and it all changed literally overnight. i tried and tried to get our relationship back to where it was but was never successful. so i ended it yesterday. it totally sucks. i'm absolutely crushed again. so that's two lost loves in one year! why does this shit happen to me? like i said, i've had a rough year. a broken marriage, a failed relationship, and a lost job.

needless to say, i've had little motivation to do anything this year. i rode a measly 200 miles this year. 200. that's it. i couldn't justify doing any racing including iceman while i was unemployed and not having any definite job prospects at the time. there are many regrets that i have. i've completely lost my identity. i don't even know who i am anymore. i've lost all of my connections with friends. i'm literally all by myself right now. i'm trying my best to get my life in order. i'm trying so hard to find some motivation to start running again. there will be no more riding until spring. i even took the roof rack off of my car this winter. the last time i rode was 9/11 which is ridiculous because there were some spectacularly beautiful days this fall. so i don't even know where to go from here. i'm going to take one day at a time. there are times i feel an overwhelming sense of despair, but other times i feel hopeful. i really wish things would've worked out with carrie and i. i really miss that girl. she really has been my life this year, and for that i'm thankful. she was always there for me, but now when i need her most, she's gone.