some time away part 1

it's been over a week since i've last written...much has gone on. more bad than good, more depression than cheer. where do i start?

let's see...i went to meet w/ the surgeon last thursday and he finally confirmed that i do NOT have appendicitis. yea. big deal. i don't have appendicitis but something else is wrong with me. no one knows what. i'm sick of doctors so i'm not going to find out what it is. i've made the decision that whatever it is, even if it's serious, i'm ready to accept the consequences. even if it means i die. i'm ready. really. i've just been sick for so long. it's been about 5 years now. i don't even know what it's like to feel healthy for more than a couple of months at a time. really. wednesday night i was so depressed that i hoped that i had appendicitis just so it would burst and i'd do nothing about it. just keel over and die. really.

so maybe this is just another phase i'm in. i get depressed every so often but i don't ever remember being like this. well, maybe when i got dumped back in college. but that's different. i'm feeling overwhelmed with life. everything. the house, work, the commute into work...it goes on and on. maybe i need a vacation. it also sucks that the majority of my vacation time is used for stupid doctor's appointments, tests, and hospital visits. so, i haven't had a vacation since ore to shore last year...late august.

i also can't believe how out of shape i am. i did seven rides in the month of may. that's it. how ridiculous. i'm also eating like shit too. two HUGE meals a day. and not-good-for-you meals at that. i haven't lifted in almost 2 weeks and have only been on the bike twice since addison. and what an awful experience it was last weekend. that story will be saved for part 2.